A Note on Shadow

Shadow. Your dark side. Your “I hope people don’t find out about this,” side. We all have it. We all experience things about ourselves that we reject and shut down in order to feel accepted from the rest of society.

I like to think of my shadow as that dark twin from the Kingdom Hearts video games. I first started thinking about the Evil Twin complex when I was doing the work in To Be Magnetic; Lacy Phillips was the first to mention shadow to me and then the idea took off. I drew out who I thought my evil twin looked like, what her name was, all of her personality traits. I kind of created this comic book persona. And then I started identifying her backstory, why she was all of those traits. This gave me a more visual representation of what I was ashamed of or rejecting in myself. If you want to explore your shadow, I would first identify what your unique communication style is; are you more of a visual communicator, written, auditory, you can even communicate through smell really. And then create that picture of your dark twin through your communication style. Maybe you record your voice, explaining the details, maybe you draw out a comic or paint colors etc.

So why do we have a shadow? As humans, we crave acceptance; we are tribal creatures, meaning if we were different way back when, we probably would have been cast out of the tribe to fend for ourselves. We don’t have to fear that happening anymore, but our psychological reaction is just the same.

We haven’t evolved out of that type of thinking. The thinking that states, if I am different, if I am seen as an outcast, I won’t be loved and I won’t be accepted into the tribe. While we are children, we witness our parents, peers and teachers reacting to their environment, showing us what we can and can’t do. Let’s say your mother has her own insecurities and then one day a woman comes on the screen that is beautiful, successful and funny, and then your mother starts commenting that the woman doesn’t write her own jokes, that she must have slept with people to get where she is, that there must be something wrong with her because no one can be that great. You start associating beauty with shame and then you start putting down compliments on yourself so that you will be loved and accepted because that is what you subconsciously believe needs to happen.

Or let’s say you’re crying one day. As a child, you don’t see social norms for crying, you just let it out when you need to. But, then your parents come up to you and call you their “happy girl,” and that “happy people don’t cry.” They may just be trying to console you, but you may internalize that as “if I cry I am unlovable.” This may seem an extreme belief, but as children, we don’t see subtleties, we just learn things in absolutes; and that absolute creates our shadow.

So now, you’ve written, drawn, spoken, or even smelled your dark self into existence. You know their characteristics and are working on their backstory. How do we start loving it?

If you are someone that looks for a structured way to accept and love shadow aspects, check out the To Be Magnetic podcast or even sign up for their membership. This gives you detailed explanations of what shadow has on your subconscious and offers journal prompts and meditations to learn how to love and accept shadow. I would also read Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, to dive into the scientific side of why shadow occurs and how to get through it. If you don’t give a shit about the nitty-gritty details, I would start with Marisa Peer’s I am Enough.

Seeing that this Dark Twin of yours is still worthy and deserving of success and love, helps you step more into your authentic power and learn about yourself. At the very least, spending time alone and getting to know who you are without the pressure of being enough can drastically change your relationship with Self. Take a moment to identify where you are trying to prove yourself. When we are dog-paddling for acceptance or external validation, there is something that we believe is not inherently lovable so we have to be shown by others that it is. When we begin to do shadow work, we can show ourselves that we are lovable and deserving, without that validation. It’s hard fucking work, I’m not going to lie, but once you get through the emotional release once, you become more and more resilient and addicted to the growth.

You’re doing a great job.

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My Obsession with Time

and a fear of holding on to anything good

When I was in college, I became obsessed with time.

I would constantly roll over the minutes in my mind, ordering everything by the exact amount it would take me to move on to the next task. “This tram takes 22 minutes to get to my stop, and it takes me 6 minutes to walk home. I’ll have 2 hours and 31 minutes before I have to leave to get to my next class.” Just on and on I would log my time. Something about it was so soothing as my deadlines loomed over me and I was getting ready to graduate.

But time-tracking didn’t end with the mental planner in my mind. I logged everything. It was less about enjoying what I was experiencing and more about making sure I “beat my time.”

Jobs for example. I started working when I was 13. And all those years I didn’t keep a job longer than a year, which seemed normal for a young person. But, I thought it made me broken. So it became my mission to keep a job longer than my last.

It didn’t matter if I hated the job, knew it wasn’t for me or wanted to leave. I had to make sure I hit that year mark and one day. I would log the day in my mind. “Day 63.” “Day 82.” “Day 102.”

I did this with where I lived. When I was 17, I started moving constantly. It made me feel like I couldn’t stay in one place. That I was such a sporadic person who wasn’t capable of settling down. Even if I couldn’t afford rent any longer. I stayed. I counted.

Relationships. By the end of college, the longest relationship I kept was 1 year and 2 months. You could even argue it was only 10 months, but that’s a different conversation.

So I found a relationship. Counted. Ignored the signs. Counted some more. I made it to 2 years and 3 months before it crumbled. At least I beat my last time.

This time obsession lasted until I realized that everything I was doing in my life was something I hated. That everything I had or was achieving was focused on the time, and not if I actually enjoyed it.

Once the awareness around this time=achievement ideology became apparent, I started seeking my why.

Did I have a fear of abandonment? Did I have OCD? Was there some milestone I was trying to achieve that made me feel successful?

The conclusion I came to was this: I latched on to this narrative that I was incapable of holding on to anything good. It wasn’t about if I was worthy to hold on to anything or a fear that I would be abandoned. But, a knowing that nothing will stick for me. That I am not here to have; I am here to rent. So if I can reach a new time, then I’m doing a little bit better than I was.

It’s as if I took the phrase “all things are temporary,” ran with it, and attached “because I’m not worthy,” at the end for some flavor.

I’m still not sure where I picked this idea up. My parents have had the same house since I was born. My dad has had the same job for nearly 20 years. My grandma still lives in the house my mom grew up in. No one in my family has been divorced.

Oh, you know what? It might be BECAUSE I saw all these stable things in my life, and I was the “black sheep,” that wanted to travel and experience different things, that now I assume I’m incapable of holding onto anything because I didn’t follow their life path.

Mid-newsletter revelations are so trippy.

My solution to this time obsession was something that I don’t necessarily recommend. But, I was constantly thinking about how long I could hold something, right? So, the only choice was to hold absolutely nothing.

I ended my lease on my apartment. I didn’t date for years. I left my job. Anything that I was logging, I ditched completely. My love of chaos truly came out in these moments.

This wasn’t all at once either. I started with the relationship because that was when I first became aware of this. I told myself a relationship wasn’t worth it if I was just seeking to reach my next time milestone.

Then came the job when I realized how unhappy I was in it and was just trying to get through another day.

Then the apartment.

When Covid hit, I traveled into this vortex of non-ownership. There was nothing to track. No milestone to reach. No fear of holding something that I felt was never mine to begin with.

It’s less of a fear of holding onto something and more of a fear of being proven that I’m not worthy of holding something good. Is that extremely meta?

It’s the most obnoxious with relationships. Ever since I was a prepubescent teen, I saw myself as a rest stop on the way to the final destination. The one you enjoy before you find the one you truly want. If you ever saw that 2000’s Dane Cook movie, Good Luck Chuck. I was Chuck. If you don’t know that movie, Chuck was cursed by a witch that every woman he dated immediately found true love after ending the relationship with him. A truly wonderful movie to watch as a girl who felt she was a walking pit stop.

I would go into relationships, knowing that they were not going to last. And it was almost a game to me to see how long I could make it last before it crumbled. Not really the most healthy way to view someone you’re supposed to love.

The jobs too. I would go all in to the job when I first started. I romanticized it. I would think, “maybe this is where I’ll feel like I belong.”

Then a few months in, the sparkles would fade and I would become restless and feel like I was trapped in something. I would start becoming frustrated that I couldn’t just be happy with what I had. Then the clock would start ticking and I knew I had to set a date to leave.

I would become ashamed and feel like I was self-sabotaging (see “I Love Drama,”) and another part of me felt like I was a failure since I didn’t seem to belong in anything I was supposed to belong in.

It’s the pedestalizing that does this. I’ll put a job I love so high above me, so far out of reach that every time I find a job, I know it’s impossible to keep. A person I love that doesn’t leave me to find someone they love more? Pedestal. An apartment that isn’t shrouded in constant discomfort and tension? Pedestal.

Poem by Me

Is there something you believe is so high up that anything you receive similar to it you know will never last?

It’s not about keeping something. Or being worthy to receive and hold it.

It’s about knowing you’re worthy to receive it over and over again, without needing to latch on.

The sanctuary feeling you receive from your dream apartment is a feeling that will never leave you, regardless if you have an apartment or not.

The feeling of pure love and support you receive in a relationship is something that you never have to seek out or ask for, because you are always with that feeling regardless of being in one.

The success you feel from a job. The joy you feel from travel.

These feelings you’re hoping to receive from the things you are putting on a pedestal are what to hold. Because they are within you. Holding on to the things you think will bring you those feelings are where that feeling of losing something begins.

It’s the classic, seeking outside yourself leads to sorrow vs seeking within yourself leads to peace.

It’s something I’m still working on, something I may always be working on. But, this is what has helped me thus far.

Journal Prompts

• Were you taught that you had to follow through with all your commitments? “See it to the end?” Were you told that if you left a job before a year that it would be harder to find another job? Write out any narratives that are centered around time and commitment.

• Do you have a fear of losing something? Imagine yourself losing that thing and write out any feelings that come up. How would it feel?

• Find your pedestal. What is something that feels like you could never have? The house? Amazing job? Business? Relationship? Write out the reasons you don’t think you could hold this. How far away is this thing from you? What would have to happen for you to hold this thing?

• Imagine you disappeared for a month, you shut your phone off and just explored? Do you think you would lose anything? Friendships? Jobs? Love? Do you think you have to constantly put the effort into those things for you to keep holding them?

• Keep a list of everything you are currently holding. Next to each thing, give a score out of 10 for how you feel about it. For anything under an 8, ask yourself why you’re holding onto it? Necessity? Fear? Do you think that’s as good as you can receive? What would happen if you let yourself release that?

One time I looked in the mirror and told myself, “I don’t need to achieve to receive. There is nothing I need to do to prove I’m enough.” And I started crying. It felt very cinematic.

When we have a fear of abandonment or a meta-fear that we are incapable of holding anything good, we are telling ourselves that we do not matter unless we hold on. That we are not enough unless we own or are owned. Is it better to be so worried of losing something that we hold on with dear life or to know that we are incapable of holding something so we hold on to see how long we can last? My vote is neither. Both seem to suck.

The only solution I’ve found so far is to de-pedestalize the things I think I’m incapable of holding on to and to develop the trust that I’m worthy whether I hold those things or not.

My time-less fantasy is to roll over in bed one day, see the person I’m in love with, and realize that I have no idea how long we’ve been together; I just know it’s been filled with love and no worry of not being able to hold them any longer, because holding them in that moment, is enough.

Should I be a romance novelist?

With love, Tally

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